“The Hollydaze”, or “I Didn’t Know Monkeys Had Orange Thingies”

Phil Fountain — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 18:47:43 +0000

One good thing about being a chimp at Christmas time is that I can pretty much ignore all the hoopla and stick to watching porn and eating Cheetos. The rest of you simps can run around making yourself crazy, but me? It’s all knuckles and know-how… and getting drunk at the Rusty Nail with all the mall elves on their break.

Noel, one of the older elves, said it was great to get all liquored up on puke on the kids for a change. He bought me four Banana-Rama Daiquiris and then started to get a weird look in his eye and said he was craving cheesy snack food. I high-tailed it outta there, pronto, and I don’t even have a tail (I told you assholes I’m a CHIMP not a monkey!)

See you Smoothies around.

“I’m No Monkey”, One Chimp’s Battle For Respect

Phil Fountain — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 04:40:07 +0000

My name is Jinks and I’m no monkey. I’m a chimp. I’m also a writer. I write twice as good as most humans (I call those pink geeks ‘smoothies’) because I can type with my feet. Stephen King is the only other primate capable of writing four books at once, but he can’t climb a tree to save his rich, fat ass.

Some of you may have seen my work on a blog called “Philbertosophy” and on “Food for Thought: A News Café”. I’m the one responsible for the funny parts. Hell, I’m the one responsible for the coherent parts. I may be a chimp, but I ain’t no simp.

I hope you smoothies out there will bookmark this blog and check back often. I promise it’ll fling the crap outta “Philbertosophy”. Then again, even a monkey could out-write that hack.

Mr. Jinks, The Typewriting Chimp

“The Hollydaze”, or “I Didn’t Know Monkeys Had Orange Thingies”

“I’m No Monkey”, One Chimp’s Battle For Respect